Relational Health

Good relationships are good for you—physically, psychologically, socially, and spiritually. “There’s a good deal of research showing that people who have strong, enduring social support have better health outcomes,” said Frank Baker, Ph.D., vice president for behavioral research at the national office of the American Cancer Society in Atlanta. “Friends and relatives are important because they help you deal with the adversities of life; you’re likely to have better health and be happier.”

Emotional support from family and friends buffers stressful life events and reduces the risk of (and speeds recovery from) depression. When you’ve had a bad day, it always helps to have a friend to call for a heart-to-heart talk, or just to take you out to do something fun or silly. People with these kinds of strong relationships—including marriage, other family members, and friends—live longer. In fact, they may even be more resistant to infection due to better immune system functioning. Social support is also associated with less cigarette smoking, less alcohol abuse, a healthier diet, more exercise, and better sleep quality.

Social support also helps people recover from illness. Research on people with cardiovascular diseases suggests that close relationships help protect heart attack survivors against future cardiovascular problems. British researcher Dr. Francis Creed and his colleagues focused on 583 men and women, all about age 60, all hospitalized with heart attacks. Each patient was asked about emotional issues including what social support they had. The patients also took tests to determine whether they were anxious or depressed. A year later, those who had a close personal confidant had 50 percent less risk of dying from heart disease than those without a close confidant. In describing his findings, Dr. Creed explained, “It’s the degree of intimacy of close relationships—not the number of social contacts—that appears to protect heart health.” A close confidant, he said, is “usually a spouse or partner, but not necessarily. It may be a very, very close friend or relative.”

Social support from friends, family members, and even pets can help people with cancer and other illnesses live longer. According to Denise Mann, who reported on recent research in a WebMD Medical News article: One study found that women with breast cancer lived longer over a seven-year period and had less chance of relapse if their social support network was large and strong.

By contrast, the Victorian Population Health Survey of 2001 conducted in and around the area of Melbourne, Australia, found that: People with few social networks were more likely to report fair to poor health and to be experiencing some level of psychological distress. They were also less likely to feel valued by society. Mental distress as a result of social isolation and lack of social support has been shown to increase the likelihood of heart disease, complications in pregnancy and delivery, and suicide.

Let’s face it: God created you to be in relationship with other people, and the more you “connect” with others, the happier and healthier you’ll be!

Have a Friend – Be a Friend

Our friends are often our closest or most intimate confidants—those people to whom we can entrust our deepest secrets. It is possible to be friends with your relatives by blood or marriage, though your closest friends may be outside your family circle.

One mark of mental health is to have at least one close or intimate friend—God was right when He said, it is not good for humans to be alone! Having such a friend could even save your life. In one study of persons who had been diagnosed with coronary artery disease, unmarried people who lacked a confidant were 50 percent less likely to survive during a five-year period than those with a confidant.

Of all the biblical examples of friendship, the story of David and Jonathan (1 Samuel 19–20) is perhaps the most moving due to the interpersonal dynamics involved. David, the shepherd boy who had killed nine-foot-tall Goliath with his sling would play his harp (which was like a modern guitar) for King Saul, Jonathan’s father, to calm Saul when he was troubled. Over time, David and Jonathan became best friends. Jonathan bestowed on David very special gifts, and they kept each other’s secrets. But when Saul became bent on killing David, the two young friends parted in tears and with an oath that they would always be friends. Later, after the deaths of Saul and Jonathan, David (who had become king) took Jonathan’s lame son into the palace, as his own.

A genuine close or intimate friendship:

·        Involves affectionate companionship.

·        Often shares interests, pursuits, and passionate commitment to a cause.

·        Involves a shared sense of caring and concern, a desire to see mutual growth and develop, and a hope that the friend succeeds in life.

·        Often involves doing something for the other, expecting nothing in return.

·        Often involves sharing private thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or critique, confident that the other will keep what is shared confidential.

·        Takes time – learning about each other, making memories, helping each other grow.

·        Includes encouragement, grace, and forgiveness.

·        Involves trust, accountability, faithfulness, dependability, loyalty, and the acceptance of unconditional love.

·        Often includes a commitment to the other’s interests, even after death.

Friends are burden bearers, secret keepers, fun sharers, emotional supporters. Friends weep with you and rejoice with you. They are there during crisis or temptation. Friends counter isolation and loneliness. Like no other kind of relationships, friendships make life bearable and doable.

Having a friend keeps us sane, makes us laugh, and allows us to be who we really are. Someone we know has a sign he used to hang on his tent in the Rockies during elk season: “Here I am my real self.” He wanted his friends to know that whoever shared that camp with him could relax and be real, too.

To have friends, you must be a friend. True friendship involves reciprocity, give and take, without either party keeping score. True friendship involves transparency and vulnerability, which develop over time as trust is established. Most of the time most people hide behind masks out of fear of what others will think of them—except when they’re with a true friend.

Being transparent and vulnerable is scary and risky because it leaves us open to hurt, possible criticism, rejection, even betrayal since another human being knows our secrets. But in light of the physical, emotional, sociological, and spiritual benefits that come from having a friend and being a friend, the risk is worth taking.

For Christians, transparency with a trusting God is the foundation for interpersonal transparency. When we have learned to be open and trusting with God, whom we cannot see, it becomes easier to have these qualities in a relationship with a person we’ve come to know and trust.

Friendship is one of the best gifts God has given to us! Here are some further suggestions to help you maintain great relationships, and lead a happier, healthier life as a result:

·        Look for and affirm positives in others; try to make most of your interactions positive.

·        Laugh together. Refuse to take yourself, or what’s happening, too seriously.

·        Keep perspective. Learn not to sweat the small stuff.

·        Realize that how you handle conflict, which every relationship has, will be the key to how long the relationship in question lasts.

·        If you have an argument, listen more than you speak. Focus on actions, not motives. Keep things in the present. Never say “never,” or “always,” or “you’re just like your mother (or father).”

·        Have a “Plan B” for most things. Don’t be an insister—one who has to have it your way or no way. Be adaptable and flexible.

Honor Your Parents

The fifth of the Ten Commandments is: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

In her article “Supportive Parents Promote Good Health,” Jennifer Warren set forth new scientific research that seems to indicate that the benefits of good parenting last long past childhood and well into a person’s adult life. It has been known for some time that children who receive high levels of support from their parents during their formative years report fewer psychological and physical problems at that time. But research now suggests that those healthy effects will, in fact, persist throughout adulthood. Citing the March 2004 issue of the journal Psychology and Aging, Warren said: Researchers found that the adults’ current mental and physical health was strongly influenced not only by current levels of emotional support, but also by parental support they received in childhood. Specifically, a lack of parental support in childhood was linked to increased levels of depressive symptoms and chronic health conditions, such as high blood pressure, arthritis, and urinary problems in adulthood. The link appeared to be stronger for mental health problems than physical ones, but researchers say that may be due to differences in how chronic health conditions develop over time.

A healthy relationship with your parents will benefit you throughout your entire lifetime. Continue to “honor” them, even as you—and they—grow older. Remember that your parents gave you the gift of life, and be sure to thank them for it often. Your gratefulness for all the things they have done for you throughout the years should make you want to give back to them. Instead of blaming your parents for their shortcomings, focus on the positive things they have given you—the wonderful contributions they may have made to your life. Of course, we all make mistakes—and your parents are human, just like you are—but when you choose to honor them more for who they are than the things that they may or may not have done, your relationship will become even more rich and rewarding in the long run.

Support your parents as they age. This caring is implied in the apostle Paul’s statement, “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8). Paul knew the benefit of a great relationship with our parents—throughout all of the changes that life brings our way.

Keep Your Marriage Strong

Hundreds of studies support the idea that marriage is good for your health. In “Why Marriage is Good for You,” Maggie Gallagher makes the following points, with evidence to back them up, to support why marriage is good for you:

“Marriage lowers the risk that either men or women will become victims of violence. A 1994 Justice Department report found that single and divorced women were four to five times more likely to be victims of violence than wives, and bachelors were four times more likely to be violent-crime victims than husbands.”

“Marriage is good for your mental health. Married men and women are less depressed, less anxious, and less psychologically distressed than single, divorced, or widowed Americans. By contrast, getting divorced lowers both men’s and women’s mental health, increasing depression and hostility, while lowering self-esteem and a sense of personal mastery and purpose in life.”

Your children will be better off. Research shows “... that children reared outside of intact marriages are much more likely than other kids to slip into poverty, become victims of child abuse, fail at school and drop out, use illegal drugs, launch into premature sexual activity, become unwed teen mothers, divorce, commit suicide and experience other signs of mental illness, become physically ill, and commit crimes and go to jail. On average, children reared outside of marriage are less successful in their careers....”

Because marriage is a partnership in every area, it is more than just an economic or business arrangement. It’s a combining of shared values and shared lives—and it leads to a greater sense of meaning and purpose than can be found in most other relationships. A partner throughout life—somebody “on your side” through thick and thin—does wonders for helping people to live happier, healthier lives.

Maintain a Healthy Family Life

The family has the function of nurturing human beings in relationships that are rich with creative possibilities. It provides the surrounding in which persons enhance rather than exploit one another, in which mistakes may be made and forgiveness practiced. The family is the primary relational context in which parents and children have a sense of intimacy and belonging. The family is intended by God to be that basic community in which personhood is fostered. The family should not become centered on itself, but should be seen as a base from which its members move out to participate in society.

Healthy families are comprised of individuals who set aside, plan, and enjoy time, recreation, and other activities together. They are committed to each other’s welfare and happiness. They often create and celebrate traditions unique to their family, which connect them with their family roots. The members of the unit work and play together, in the context of mutual commitment and respect, while allowing freedom for individual self-expression. The members of the family know that they can depend on each other in good times and times of adversity.

Healthy families value and include members of the extended family, such as grandparents and other relatives in their activities and plans. They provide a context in which values, skills, and behaviors are learned by example and observation and experience. They nurture loyalty and trust between the members, who often express encouragement and appreciation for each other. They provide a safe place to express love, honesty, understanding, patience, and forgiveness and to learn skills related to communication and conflict resolution. Parents are not dictators, and children have a voice in decision making and enforcing the rules. The group, as a unit, has a sense of purpose in its life together, and a commitment to a greater good than its own happiness.